


Lost In Thoughts

by Traumatas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pretty much just me writing for coping reasons, slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 11:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15218291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Traumatas/pseuds/Traumatas
Summary: Anxiety was always the hardest on Tadashi when he needed it the least.Thankfully he could always count on Kei for comfort.





	Lost In Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> This might be a little to a lot out of character, but I just needed to comfort write for myself and this is what it turned into /D  
> I hope you enjoy it regardless!

_ 'That's because he doesn't want you anymore.' _

 

Tadashi pressed the heels of his palms onto his eyes, rubbing in an attempt to quiet down his anxiety and to stop the flow of tears.

 

It had been a harsh week and  a rough time for him all around.  

Life was being difficult and he felt the normality he had worked so hard on to achieve, slip away from him again and it was near to impossible for him to catch a break. 

 

Practise was hard and he knew he was messing up receiving and his serves more than usual, none of the progress he had made to be seen; exam phase had begun and he could barely keep up with his classes or concentrate enough to learn; his depression had set in again, trying to convince him to stay in bed all day and forcing him to put a lot of energy into a constantly fighting it to keep it at bay; and -

 

Well. And Kei had been generally busy lately.   
  
The tall teen had been spending most of his time alone, paying full attention to his studies, as he was determined to get the best scores possible on his exams; and the days Kei didn’t learn, Tadashi made sure not to bother him. After all, he knew best how important resting was.   
  
Sadly, that didn’t help his own situation one bit.   
  
Usually, his boyfriend was at his side most of the time - be it in school or at home  - and helped him cope with his life, making it tons easier on him.   
And although Tadashi knew it was unfair towards Kei to label him as his main beacon of comfort and declare him the one thing that helped him keep his life together the most, it was hard not to do so. Whenever the freckled teen had troubles, problems or worries, Kei had been there to give advise or just simply hold him through it, successfully managing to calm his anxiety to its minimum.   
Of course it never vanished fully, but Tadashi was thankful enough for being able to feel a little less stressed out and not constantly on the edge.

 

So not having Kei to give him support, was getting harder and harder to deal with.    
  
Normally, he was able to cope on his own pretty well at this point, knowing how to deal with small bursts of anxiety or depression, but whenever life was extremely harsh, Tadashi wanted nothing more than to hide in Kei’s arms and get the comfort and warmth he needed to calm his nerves.    
  
Right now though, that wasn’t possible.   
  


Some small cursed thoughts, that escaped a dark part of his brain, told him that his own boyfriend had abandoned him. Left him alone with his problems, because they were too much of a burden than to deal with them over and over again.

 

Tadashi knew those thoughts were lies.

 

It was himself, that was creating his troubles. Talking himself more and more into what his anxiety told him, only aware of his own flaws and of the problems he didn’t seem able to solve. Getting lost in that mindset was still way too easy for him and besides his determination to get better and pull himself out, listening to what his mental health told him had always been the more convenient option.   
  
Deep down, he knew he had promised Kei to approach him, whenever he felt like he couldn’t breath due to his own thoughts and the pressure on his chest. His boyfriend had promised him to be there if he was needed, willing to make time for him, but Tadashi never took him up on it.

 

After all: He should be able to deal with it by himself at this point, knowing enough from therapy and research to decide how he should deal with it.

 

Instead Tadashi was laying in his bed, though, still trying his best to stop his tears and the destructive thoughts creeping up on him.

 

'Everyone gets tired of me', his anxiety whispered in his own voice and at this point it was difficult not to believe.

 

'It was stupid to even think he would stay. I wonder why he stuck around so long in the first place'

 

He shook his head, breath hiccuping. It wasn't true, he was aware of that, but his emotions decided to not listen to his mind and the sharp and suffocating pain in his chest didn’t subdue. Desperately, he tried to take deep breaths to calm himself down and despite it working momentarily, he couldn’t stop the shakiness of it.

 

He was a mess. 

An anxious, depressed mess.

 

'And that's exactly why I'll end up alone. No matter what I try, nothing changes'

 

It was impossible to hold back a sob at that. Admitting it was hard but for once his anxiety was right.    
Even after working on it day after day and searching help, finding ways to cope: nothing had changed. Tadashi caught himself slipping back into old habits and thoughts whenever he started having the slightest kind of doubts.    
He pulled the blankets around him tighter, biting his lip as he tried hard not to let the tears flow again. His eyes were puffy, red and hurting enough already.

 

'Kei will leave me and then I won't know what to do. We will break up and I'll be all alone withou-'

 

His own anxiety ridden thoughts were interrupted by the ringtone of his phone, sending a whole different shiver of panic down his spin as his heart rate picked up drastically. The pounding was so fast and strong, he swore his ribcage was about to burst.   
  
The phone rang again.   
  


It took him a good few seconds to find it, knowing it was somewhere in his bed but had been covered by pillows due to his apathetic turning and twisting.

 

When he finally found it, he looked at the screen before he dared to hit answer.

 

_ Dinosaur-Nerd ❤ _

 

Tadashi swallowed hard. Kei usually didn't call, knowing how much phone calls freaked him out and therefore kept to texts or the additional rare voice message from time to time, if he had no time to show up at his home personally.   
  


This has to be about something serious and Tadashi didn’t like that one bit. This was the last thing he needed.

 

'Here it comes. Better be ready', his anxiety chimed in one last time before his thumb hit the accept button.

 

"Hey Kei!", he said, keeping his voice neutral to disguise his recent breakdown. Faking to be happy had never fooled his boyfriend. They had known each other for too long already, so he decided to not even try.

 

"Tadashi.", Kei said, a certain uncharacteristic glee in his tone; like he was excited to finally hear the freckled teen again. The small rush of relieve that washed over Tadashi was quickly replaced by new worries as the others voice changed immediately. “You haven’t answered any of the texts I sent you.”   
  
That was true. He couldn’t really remember the last time he had taken a look at his phone and couldn’t recall if it had vibrated or not. If he thought about it that way, he wasn’t quite sure how long he had spent caught up in his thoughts. Knowing himself, he didn’t doubt that it could have been several hours.    
  
“Oh y-yes. I was-”   
  
“I’m- Are you alright?”, Kei asked, successfully interrupting the lie he was about to spin. “It’s not like you to not answer for that long.”    
  
Kei, unlike Tadashi, was good at concealing his feelings, but it always shone through when he was worried. The mere fact that he had called him just because he hadn’t answered for a suspiciously long time was enough to prove his concern and the freckled teen felt himself relax just a little, some of his anxiety eased.    
  
Kei cared. He smiled.   
  
“Tadashi? Still there?”   
  
“Yes, yes! I am!”, Tadashi said quickly, realizing he hadn’t answered, too occupied in his thoughts. “I was just- I was thinking. That’s all.”   
  
He received a worried sigh and could picture Kei pushing up his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose, eyebrows drawn together as he shifted his weight. “About what?”   
  
“Oh you know. Stuff.”, he answered, uncertain about it himself. It was foolish to think his boyfriend didn’t immediately pick up that something was wrong, but Tadashi couldn’t find himself to be bothered by it. Rather he was feeling a little calmed down by just knowing Kei was intent to make sure he was doing fine even when he wasn’t present. It made it much more easy to believe what he knew himself and not give in to his constant anxious thoughts.   
  
Maybe it was because of their long friendship and now relationship that he had become an expert at giving Tadashi the comfort and support he needed. Even hearing his voice calmed him down in a way he didn’t understand, but never once complained about. The sincerity behind everything Kei said and did when he realized that his boyfriend wasn’t feeling well was something other people probably wouldn’t expect from him, something he only showed Tadashi and that thought alone made him feel good; made him feel valuable.    
  


It was probably one among many reasons he fell in love with him in the first place. The way Kei understood him and made sure he was alright was something he hoped he would never lose along the way.

  
Sometimes, he was almost convinced that Kei knew whenever he wasn’t doing well. Like some additional sense that he has gained throughout the years of being with Tadashi.  Therefore the next question didn’t come as a surprise.   
  
“Anxiety?”   
  
“Y-yeah…”   
  
There was a beat of silence and all he could hear was Kei’s breathing through the line.   
  
“I’ve finished learning for today and my parents had to cancel our dinner with Akiteru today. I’m coming over as soon as possible.”   
  
The tone in his voice suggested, that he hadn’t asked a question and if Tadashi wasn’t totally mistaken he was already hearing the rustling of a jacket in the background. His heart skipped a beat at that and he felt like crying all over again. There was nothing he wanted more than for Kei to be with him right now, as needy as that might sound, but he couldn’t get himself to consider himself clingy or pathetic as a tinge of happiness filled his chest.    
Breathing was much easier at this point.   
  
He nodded before realizing that the other couldn’t see his gesture.   
  
“Sure.”, Tadashi said quietly, his smile obvious even in his voice. “Mom isn’t home right now either. So let yourself in, you know where the spare keys are?”   
  
“I do.”, Kei said and the freckled teen could here a door shutting, presumably the front door. “Hey, Tadashi?”   
  
“Hmmm?”   
  
“I love you.”, the softness in Kei’s voice surprised Tadashi, but made him happy none than less. The prior tightness of his chest had been reduced and he felt warm and much better instead. “I’ll be over soon.”   
  
He couldn’t help but smile, removing himself from his cocoon of blankets.    
  
“I love you too. See you soon, Kei.”   
  
And with that the call ended. 

**Author's Note:**

> You know the drill.  
> Kudos and Comments appreciated <:
> 
>  
> 
> If anyone is interested in my other social medias:  
> Tumblr: @Traumatas  
> Instagram: @Traumatas


End file.
